Ms. Guilt

Aaahhh, the stress of life nowadays… trying to avoid taking the toll of these life’s drama. I just want to vent take all these emotions out and I have the perfect way to do it…

I know we don’t know each other but I think we might have a mutual friend. Guilt is an old friend of mine that I’ve known for years. I don’t know exactly when I first met her along my way in life. I think I probably met her somewhere in elementary school at the math league I didn’t win because math just wasn’t my big thing. I think that was also around the age that girls started liking boys but before boys started liking girls. I have my suspicions that I’m not the only one who knows her. Those of us who are good friends with her tend to keep our friendship with her a secret.

Guilt is our girlfriend that we think is prettier than us, thinner than us and the one that gets the attention of the boy we like. She’s the one that makes the team when we don’t, gets the promotion we want and the one that accomplishes all of the things we wish we could or think we should. She’s perfectly dressed and never has a hair out of place. Guilt is perfect in every way.

Guilt has a perfect marriage to the perfect man and has given birth to the most perfect children this world has ever had the privilege to behold. Guilt never struggled to get pregnant or worried that eating a deli sandwich would give her baby three eyes. Her home is perfect, her car is better than ours, she’s a five star chef in the kitchen ( no comment on this one) and a 5 star sexy star in the bedroom. She never worries that her children will fail, be hurt, turn into strippers or gang bangers or realize that she’s not so perfect after all. Guilt never worries that her husband will stray, or fall out of love with her. She does what she wants, perfectly every time. And she sure the hell never worries what you or I think of her…. She’s perfect, and she knows it.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my long friendship with Guilt as I re-hash and dissect my life for all to see. Especially how I’m always there for her helping her accomplish her goals and how I don’t get shit in return. Guilt sucks as a friend.

She’s the friend that keeps on giving but it’s never the gift you want. Then, because she’s a b*tch, she takes and she takes and she gets great pleasure out of making me feel inferior. She’s the frienemy that makes me feel like sh*t about myself as a woman and a mother. She steals my thunder and hides it in her ridiculously expensive handbag that I wish I could afford.

I came to the realization I will never be able to keep my house as perfectly clean as Guilt does, cook meals that look like they belong on the cover of Perfect B*tch Next Door Monthly and my child will never be as well dressed, popular , good at sports or get grades as perfect as hers. In fact her kids only eat organic, wear organic and crap organic and I can barely afford to look at organic for fear I’ll be charged an organic viewing fee. Guilt’s kids have never had a happy meal after a late work night, watched TV to buy her 30 minutes to pee, pay a bill and feed the family pet. I just can’t keep up with Guilt anymore. She’s a b*tch on eight wheels that, as a single mom, I don’t have time to compete with her perfection anymore.

I would never presume to tell you who to spend time with but I think I will stop taking her calls as often as I do. I’m going to try and spend more time enjoying my messy life, my imperfect home, my charming, beautiful and imperfectly perfect daughters who are more beautiful with tangles in their hair and ice cream on their face than that Guilt’s kids will ever be.

I know Guilt is sneaky though. She doesn’t like to be dismissed, especially by someone much less perfect than her. I mean the nerve! I’m sure she’ll creep up on me again like a ninja at a cocktail party with evil in her eyes at some point to try to bring me down again. I think the next time she does though I’ll give her the middle finger, even if it’s not as classy or perfectly manicured as hers.

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